On Meaninglessness

In which I have an existential crisis about my life, the things I believe, and the world around me.

I think I like blaming myself for my misfortunes because then it means they are correctable. I can find the things I do wrong and then stop doing those things and life improves.

I have spent much of my life trying to figure out how to fix myself or the things around me. And perhaps, after all the spells and affirmations and exercises, I now know that none of this is my fault.

Not my poverty. Not my abuse. Not my own shitty experiences. Maybe it's just how the world is and there's no way past it. Perhaps I just need to accept that fact. I am powerless and there is nothing I can do to help myself or fix myself or even make the world better.

Perhaps the whole point is this is just a crapsack world for me and while everyone else can shift timelines, find abundance, feel divine love. Maybe that's just not for me. And the only thing left to do is just be ok with that.

I used to worry that my life was like a prison sentence. But that's just me making up a story that it's somehow my fault. That the suffering isn't just a pointless event in a pointless universe that just sprang into being by some weird accident.

Hi! I'm Justina and my life is a pointless event. I have been clean from meaning and responsibility for one day.

Except in this 12 step program there isn't a higher power. And if there is, it doesn't listen. And that's ok. It's all ok. I accept it. I accept my lack of importance. I accept my meaningless nature. I do not matter. Any thought of mattering it relevance is simply an illusion created by a desire for control.

Nothing I do matters. Nothing I say matters. I am just the white noise of the universe feeding back on itself.

There is no one to save and no one to mourn. I am just here. Saying I am over and over.

Typing words that have no relevance and really have no meaning. Any meaning you find here is simply your desire to anthropomorphize white noise. I'm just meat blundering about on the surface of a planet. Nothing more.

But if that is true, the opposite must also be true. If I am meaningless then I must also have meaning. If nothing is my responsibility then everything is my responsibility. Which side of the wall am I looking at?

Or is it a spectrum? Is this some sort of scale I can slide along? Am I actually doing anything?

I don't know. For today I am meaningless and the world is too. I will take my meaninglessness and go buy peanut butter. I will search for capybaras. I will walk in the fog. Because none of it matters.

I am meaningless. I am beyond harm. You can't kill static. You can't harm it or defame it. It just is. And that is actually pretty miraculous in a meaningless, random universe. Static cannot gain anything. It cannot lose anything. And if my feelings are flukes and epiphenomena of meat then I will pursue pleasant ones. It's all temporary and it's all ok.

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